my purpose, or lack thereof (unedited)

I often wonder what my purpose is in life. This idea has rattled around inside my brains for years but it has been bothering me more and more recently.

How is one supposed to feel important? Useful? Purposeful? How does one do it?

I don’t know what my purpose is nor the purpose of life in general. What the heck does all of this mean? Why are we here? What is life? No one knows for sure and it bugs me that there are no conclusive answers. I know I won’t figure out the meaning of life but maybe one day, someone will. Until then, I’ll keep racking my brain trying to figure out the what’s and why’s of life.

Maybe purpose has something to do with productivity. As for me, I feel useless when I am unproductive on most days. There isn’t much to do because of Covid-19, and I am not in school right now nor am I working. So I find myself unproductive most days, thus I fill my days with normal tasks and spent a lot of time doing self-care. This doesn’t mean that I spend hours doing my hair and makeup (but yay for girls who do that) but what I mean is I take my time to shower, to dress, to do simple tasks like styling my hair, trimming my fingernails, you get the idea. It is a lot of wasted time to take care of oneself and I take full advantage of it.

What else is there to do? Should I be doing something better with my time? Sure. I could be doing a million different things but it’s all talk. I like the simple days where there isn’t much to do so I have the time to waste and do nothing. This is how it is most days and I am grateful for it. Grateful yet purposeless…

Maybe I just need to find my place in the world. Perhaps, this goes back to trying to figure out who I am and where I fit into all of this. I have yet to figure any of that out, so I’ll continue to stumble through the world and wade my way through life with the hope of finding something meaningful, something with purpose…

Things I Love

Family – the greatest gift in life, yet can also be the worst at times. Even though there are some bad days, I am overwhelmingly grateful for the love that I receive from my family, especially my aunt and uncle and their son (my cousin). They have been the family that I needed years ago and still need today. Our little family brings me so much joy, there is so much love!

Holidays – a reason to be happy and have fun, something to look forward to so that the years aren’t too boring. I love all of the joy and happiness that comes from Christmas, Valentines Day, birthdays, etc. I love making a big deal out of holidays and birthdays because sometimes I need to create my own happiness, and holidays are a great way for me to do so.

Food – what more is there to say…I love food. I am constantly thinking about the next meal, about new things to cook, about eating out at restaurants or stopping by the drive-thru. I just love food. Some of my favorites are spaghetti (or any noodle dishes really), sushi, street tacos (they have to be from a taco truck), and tiny chocolate desserts (especially the ones at Vegas buffets).

Routines – actually, I have a love/hate relationship with routines. Sometimes, I absolutely despise them because I get bored/tired of things easily. I would much rather have my day be different from the one before but of course, one must have some structure in their life. So, there exists some love for routines as long as it involves the people I live with in our cozy home, enjoying each other’s company.

Clothes – as mentioned above, I tire of things easily which means I tire of my clothes easily. I have a habit of buying clothes, getting bored with said clothes, and then giving my clothes to my sister. She is always grateful for them and I am happy because I have an excuse to buy more clothes! I love new things, especially clothes.

Organization – without this, I would feel lost in a world of messiness and chaos. I am a conundrum because I hate routines but love organization so I follow routines to keep my life organized, or at least my things organized. I am constantly cleaning my room, organizing things, getting rid of things. I even enjoy organizing other people’s things because I just love being organized so much!

Quality time with my aunt and uncle – this goes back to the topic of routines such that my uncle and I have a morning routine which allows us to spend each and every morning in each other’s company. We make breakfast, watch the news, and waste the morning away. I treasure the time that I get to spend with him. As for my aunt, she and I have long conversations about anything and everything which sometimes go on for hours. We try to solve the problems of the world but we never amount to much. We also quilt together in her sewing room for hours, we lose track of time a lot when we are in there. I treasure these moments when it is just her and I.

My boyfriend – last, but not least…Jake is so special to me and I am beyond grateful that he loves me for me. He knows my love for him so I’ll make this one short and to the point. Love loves to love love (as said by James Joyce) and I love to love Jake ❤

Thank you for reading!

Again and again and again…

What to say when everything has already been said…Have I written about this before? Or has it just been bouncing around in my head, occupying space?

I have been distant for many months and a part of me felt good about it. It felt good to not write when I know I should have, a delinquency on my part that I reveled in. But, the time has come for me to begin again for the third time.

I go through periods where I do not want to write or share my life with others on various other social media platforms. I cut myself off after watching a documentary on Netflix, and thus, have been trying not to get caught up in it all again but it is hard to keep away from. So here I am again writing and wanting to get in contact with the rest of the world again.

I am 25 and have yet to find myself. I wake up most days wondering who I will be that day and I wonder if this is just a Tiara thing or if most young adults feel this way, too. This is all to say that I am still trying to find myself and that is why I write and then don’t write, then write again.

I see myself as someone who tries things out, spends weeks obsessed with the thing, gives up the thing, then comes back to the thing after a few months. I think I do this because I get tired of things quickly but end up missing them so I begin them again. So here I am again. It feels good to be back.

Morning Routine

Our mornings begin as they always do; half asleep, I crawl out of bed to begin our day. I meet you at the bottom of the staircase. You’re either in your chair, sleeping the morning away or you’re somewhere else. When it’s the latter, I search frantically around our home, desperate to find you. When you aren’t where you’re supposed to be, I get scared that you’ll end up being the one that ruins our morning routines forever. I dread that day.

When I do find you, I am relieved, if only because we can finally get back to our morning routine. I greet you with a “hello, good morning”. It takes you awhile to warm up to me, to warm up to the realization that we are living yet another day, only to go back to sleep and do it all over again. Years from now, I might think back to whether it was you or I who did the warming…

“Hello, good morning. What do you want for breakfast?”

You say “the usual”, except we never have the usual because the usual costs money and we don’t have any money. We are broke, according to you.

So, I make my usual in the kitchen, alone, while you wait for me in your chair. I am used to our morning routine: me cooking and cleaning, you waiting for me patiently in your chair, sleeping.

When most of the food is absent from your plate, I ask how the usual was. You say the usual: “it was fine. I ate it.” Perhaps, it is only I who actually enjoys it.

Even though our morning routine seems mundane most mornings, and you say the same thing every morning and I say the same thing every morning, I remind myself to treasure these moments with you, because I know one day, life will catch up to you. You won’t be in your chair sleeping the morning away and you won’t be somewhere else in our home.

I will continue to frantically search for you though, trying desperately to find you, every single morning and every single day for the rest of my life

Hello again (again)

Sheep Creek Canyon Geological Area, Ashley National Forest
(Photo Courtesy of Jacob Compton)

Hello again, everyone! I haven’t blogged in such a long time! The days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, and I can’t honestly remember the last time I posted something. Studying for the LSAT and filling out law school applications have taken up so much of my time that I haven’t been able to sit down and type something out. So, here I am again to let you all know that I am busier than ever, but that I haven’t given up on this blog. Soon, I’ll have all the time in the world to write, so don’t give up on me either!

Quick update about me – As mentioned above, I am pursuing law school and am set to take the LSAT soon. Over Labor Day weekend, Jake and I got to visit my grandparents in Utah (stories and pictures to come). Nothing else has changed much which means that my family and I are happy and healthy despite all of the craziness that is going on on the West Coast. Overall, life is good, as always 🙂

That is all for now…thanks for reading!

Hello Again!

I haven’t blogged the past few days because life has been pretty busy and hectic. I definitely did not keep up with my personal challenge of blogging every day, but that’s okay! I’d rather write sincerely than force myself to write just for the sake of posting something.

I don’t have much to say tonight, but I did want to thank all of the bloggers out there who read my stuff and leave a like or a comment. It’s nice to know that people other than my friends and family enjoy reading what I have to say. And of course, I am extremely grateful for my family and friends who do the same… *insert red heart emoji*

I’d like to end this post with a short story…or an brief explanation…whatever you want to call it…

I started this blog a year ago, but only just began doing something with it. It took me awhile to talk myself into writing and sharing with others because I doubted that anyone would care what I had to say. What held me back was my own self-doubt that anything worth saying had already been said, and that if I did come up with saying something worthwhile, no one would read it anyways.

I got over that about a month ago because I had finally decided that I would just write for myself. It didn’t matter to me anymore whether someone read my work or not; I was just content with getting my thoughts out into the open.

Obviously, I am overjoyed that so many people have visited/viewed my site and have read/interacted with my posts. Now, I actually do care whether people read my posts or not, but that’s because I have gotten so much support and positive feedback from others, which I didn’t expect at all! So now, I write for myself and I write for others; I write for those who read every new post, for those who come across my page and read only one, and for those who don’t read any but support me anyways.

Thank you (again) to any and everyone who takes the time to read my never-ending stream of ramblings. It means the world to me… *insert another red heart emoji*

Midnight Ramblings

There is so much life to live and so little time to live it…there are so many things to do, to see, to learn, to decide on, to appreciate, to touch, to love, to hate.

How in the world can I do all of these things that I want to do in the world? Perhaps, because there are so many things, I have trouble deciding which thing to fill my time with, so I end up choosing nothing…and in those moments of nothingness, I am thinking about choosing EVERYTHING.

Decisions are tough for me. Chocolate or strawberry? I love both of those! Blue or purple? They’re both great! Doctor or lawyer? Why not both?! Just kidding, doctor was never on my career radar, but it may as well have been because I had so many other options that I couldn’t decide on!

So, how does one choose?

I don’t have an answer.

I choose things because I have to, because that is how one gets by in life, but if I had the choice, I wouldn’t choose anything at all. Actually, my choice would be to not have to choose between anything, but to have everything. And I don’t mean that I want everything because I am spoiled and live the luxurious life that allows me to have whatever I please, because I definitely don’t. What I mean, is that I’d like to have a little of everything, that way I don’t miss out on anything.

Perhaps, this is why I can’t choose between things, whatever they may be. Life has so much to offer, I don’t want to miss ANY OF IT.

I don’t think I have reached any definitive conclusions about life and its’ many decisions that must be made…this might be what it’s meant to be though, at least for now, and that is alright with me…

Got any grandiose ideas about life? Decisions? Choices? That actually might be the same thing as decisions, but you get the point! Comment below, share your thoughts with me (:

Boyfriend’s Birthday

Today is the 11th day of August, and it also happens to be my boyfriend’s birthday! To celebrate, I thought I’d share something that I wrote about the two of us a year or so ago. Thanks for reading!

Untitled

My absolute favorite part of the day is when I wake up next to you.

With our heads still filled with dreams, we lie next to one another, touching ever so slightly.

In these short moments, you are my world.

You are the only thing that exists, the only thing that my life encompasses.

But time goes on, morning becomes afternoon.

You get up because you don’t want to waste the day away in bed.

I’d prefer life that way, but coffee must be poured and life must go on, until the next morning when I awake, wrapped in your arms, your morning breathe stinging my nose.

The sweet kisses are worth it. 

You Got This!

“You Got This”

Jacob Compton

This isn’t a long, super meaningful quote, nor has it been quoted by a well-known, influential individual from decades ago. It is simple, and many people probably say it multiple times throughout their day without thinking twice about its’ meaning. It has been used as an inspirational quote for cute, colorful journals and wall decorations that women and little girls can buy to feel more powerful, like the lavender one that I have, which screams “YOU GOT THIS” in gold font. It’s a statement, three little words of encouragement, a quick phrase that tumbles out of the mouth.

To others, it may just be a meme – you know the one with the little brown and black puppy in the background, pointing at us and telling us that we do in fact have it! However insignificant or silly the phrase may seem to others, to me, it means so much more…

The first time I heard it was when I was walking away from Jake in the parking lot at CSUF. It was almost 7 PM, almost time for my Milton final, (I took Milton as a required course for my English degree, don’t know him? Look him up!) and I was not feeling great at all. I knew that I wasn’t going to do well on the final because the course was tough and I struggled throughout the semester. Even though I felt awful about the whole thing, and I dreaded having to walk to class that night, Jake had yelled after me “You got this!”.

When I met him in the parking lot afterwards, I dejectedly told him that “I did not have it, like at all…” I failed the final, I’m pretty sure, but I got a B in the course and ended the semester swearing that I’d never read Milton ever again. (I still haven’t read anymore by him but I’ve gotten over my past failure, it wasn’t Milton’s fault!)

Anyways, flashforward to today, I have lost count of how many times Jake has told me that “You got this!”. He says it so often that I have finally believed it myself, and even when I definitely do not have it, I feel better knowing that at least Jake believes that I do. That simple phrase has stuck with me for over two years, and every time I hear it, it reminds me that I have other people in the crowd cheering me on, supporting me and motivating me to keep going, to conquer my fears, to keep chasing my dreams.

Without knowing how much those three little words mean to me, my sister gifted me the lavender journal with the gold font to remind me to keep pushing forward with law school and with everything else that I’m trying to accomplish right now. I was overcome with love and gratitude (and even some tears) when she gave it to me, and now, those words mean even more to me, because she believes that I can do it too.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed or am struggling with something, or when I need to calm myself down or raise myself up, I whisper those three words to myself. “I got this, you got this Tiara, YOU GOT THIS”. It has made all the difference in the world to me (:

So, I challenge you to find your phrase, find your own mantra that will get you through the tough times and even the best, most happiest of times; use it to motivate yourself and to raise yourself up. Or you could use Jake’s quote like I do, whatever helps you to get through the day and one step closer to your goals and your dreams, because “YOU GOT THIS!” *insert red heart emoji*

Evening Ramblings

I used to write a lot in school, primarily because I was an English major and our homework/tests consisted of writing paper after paper, following the prompts and trying our best to impress the professors. Throughout community college and my time at CSUF, I’ve received A’s on nearly every paper and marks of approval from my professors. One professor who I greatly admired throughout my time at CSUF even said that she loved my writing style! So, yes, I can write very well in an academic, professional setting.

With that being said, I’ve decided that this blog will consist of all of the things I have never gotten to write about, and will include my thoughts, emotions, and reactions to life. I have never written for myself, even though my English professors suggested that all students should do so. Now that I think about it, I haven’t done a lot of things that have been suggested to me, but I think that I am finally ready to do those things. I don’t know where the motivation came from but I’m glad that it is finally here.

Now that the motivation has found its’ way to me, I’d like to use writing as a way to let everything out, in hopes that I become the person I have always wanted to be. To me, writing will be my comfort, like listening to music or reading is for others.

This space is my own, but I will gladly share it with others.

Goodnight…*insert sleeping emoji*

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